Limbo

I feel like I am in limbo-land between 2 worlds: infertility and adoption.

We have decided no more IUIs (duh, you are all saying, isn't 9 enough? or is it 10? great, I've lost count. hey it worked 1-1/2 times, I counter - I count the chemical as a 1/2 pregnancy) and will just continue on with our TCM and trying the old fashioned way for a few months. Then we plan to do IVF again in March. It's not that we love to wait out things for months. It's just that is the easiest opening in my work schedule, and I want to take a few weeks off around the IVF. Stress, you know.

Sounds like a good plan. But the problem is, neither my husband nor I truly believe that IVF will work for us, and that we may be wasting $12,000. Yes, it is true, we have more faith in getting pregnant on our own than with IVF.

In the past, I was hesitant to do the 2nd IVF because it felt like our last chance. But now it has really sunk in that it is not our last chance. Because we can adopt and have a beautiful baby of our own without needing to get and stay pregnant.

Adoption, of course, has been in the back of our minds for quite a while. How could it not? It's been over 4 years. But it always felt like the 2nd choice, the back-up plan. And that always seemed a bit yucky - I wouldn't want to think of my child as the 2nd choice. And don't get me started on the "you know what will happen, once you adopt you'll get pregnant" (so brilliant! did they think that up themselves?), which is another way of saying "adopt, and then you'll get pregnant with the baby you really want" as if the baby through adoption is a warm up for the "real baby".

But now, adoption is no longer a 2nd choice. I feel clearly in my heart that I would be thrilled to have a baby through adoption. What if this baby that I have been waiting for and aching for isn't supposed to be born to me? I'm ok with that.

So right now, I feel torn between IVF and adoption. Yes, we can do both. And yes, that would cost a shit load of money that we don't have. If it wasn't for the money, I would not hesitate. But the money factor is there. $12,000 for IVF, then another $15,000 for adoption - after the tax credit - (yes, I know there are cheaper ways to do it, but I want a newborn and I don't want to wait 2 years to hold my baby. I've waited long enough). That is how we are thinking about it - almost convinced the IVF won't work, so we'd still have to spend the $ for adoption. That last thought there is what truly has me in limbo right now. If we felt confident in IVF, we would totally go for it again. But right now we don't.

Fortunately, March is a long way away.


Today I am grateful for:
* sun in the morning when walking my dogs
* cold and cloudy in the afternoon when I need to do indoors things
* I get to see my nephews in 4 days!

What I am doing to take care of myself today:
* morning exercise
* chocolate truffles and milk! not on my TCM diet, but it sure feels good!