We decided to not go forward with this adoption. We started to get some concerning info on Friday, but decided to go out and meet the parents anyway. When we met with the birth parents Sunday morning, we left feeling really conflicted. We were fine with the mom, but the dad had some things going on that we just weren't comfortable with. Then we met the baby, and she seemed sweet and perfect. But the issues with the dad weighed over us and clouded our picture of everything. In the end, we felt like we would not be adopting with a clear heart, so decided to not continue.
This is a big no-no with our agency, and in the adoption world in general: to meet the potential birth parents, and then decide to not adopt. We feel really awful. I know their lives have been very hard, and they have probably been met with one rejection after another, and we hated to add to that. But I'm pissed that my agency didn't represent the father more accurately. They referenced his issues, but did not make the picture clear - if they had we would not have engaged the adoption. Meanwhile, the adoption counselor's comments made us feel small and judgemental. Argh! Now we are worried about being on their shit-list and being moved to the bottom of the pile. I asked the adoption counselor if our saying no would make it so they would not be willing to work with us - we need to know if we need to make other arrangements - and she said "no, but you have to understand it may take longer to place a baby with you, if you don't want these situations." I guess the good news is that the agency has better clarification about what situations we are comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with.
We are starting to feel better today. We still feel really bad for the parents, frustrated with the agency, concerned about our prospects with them, and just emotionally drained from the experience.
I will call Thursday or Friday, talk to the other lead gal at the agency, and ask for an honest assessment of our prospects with them. If they will hold a grudge against us and make our placement more difficult, we need to know so we can make other arrangements.
Meanwhile, my boobs are killing me. I'd been pumping a lot, and at one point even got 1/2 ounce of breast milk! Now I've stopped pumping, got back on the BCP, and my boobs are so confused. But I'm really glad to know that induced lactation for adoption really can work!
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7 comments:
wow, sorry the situation was so complicated. But, you went with your hearts, and I think that is smart. And, the last thing I would call you is small or judgmental.
Very cool about the induced lactation!
I'm sorry to hear this, and also sorry you are now feeling so much unease with your agency. It should be the case that you can always follow your gut with these things, and not risk judgment from others, especially those in the adoption profession.
It sucks to get your hopes up yet again, all for nothing...but I think being honest--both with others, and with yourself is truly the only way through this crazy, life-changing experience! I admire you for having that kind of courage, because I don't think it's comes naturally or easily for most people.
Your right situation will present itself one of these days!
Melba
I'm so sorry the agency let you down (and really, they let everyone down as a less than honest approach is not fair to the birthparents either). You should always go with your gut feeling, and you shouldn't feel guilty about that at all. Hang in there - the right situation will come along. Take care of yourself, and take some time to grieve this loss.
Lane (from the Ovusoft forum)
I'm so sorry. I can totally understand your concern about what happens next with your agency. They should have definitely been more honest with you and NOT made you feel bad for making your own decision on this. I hope that they will be honest with you and move forward without holding this against you.
Congrats on the induced lactation though!
I too am sorry it didn't work out. Being honest and open about your concerns and following your heart sounds like it was the right thing to do. If your agency holds a grudge, then they're not the right fit for you.
That is sucky all around.
I'm glad you know your boundaries and are willing to stick to them, but it's just sucky that the agency wasn't clearer about everything.
Just out of complete curiosity, is there any compositional difference between breast milk brought on by birth and breast milk brought on by stimulation?
I'm so sorry things didn't work out. It must have been a very concerning situation for you to have changed your mind. It sounds like you made the right decision for you and did not make it lightly. I hope you are able to get straight answers from your agency. I can't believe they tried to make you feel wrong for it.
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