Playing the 'What If' Game

In those last few days of a cycle, after pretty much ignoring the 2 week wait for 1 and 1/2 weeks, I always start to wonder ... What if I'm pregnant?

My period is due either tomorrow or Friday (I missed a day of temping in there, so not exactly sure, plus an early ovulation, so I'm not really sure when the cycle should be over), and so far no signs of going on the rag. This is likely a tribute to my TCM, which has knocked out most of my PMS and cramps. But ... What if I'm pregnant?

Ah, here the fantasy begins, and it's bliss. I know you all know what this fantasy looks like. So thrilling and exciting. I remember back to those 2 weeks that I knew I was pregnant in June, and feeling like I had finally gotten my life back after 4 years of infertility.

So, What if I'm pregnant? That means we won't have to come up with $15,000 for IVF in March, then another $15,000 for adoption when that fails. I could buy a dryer instead. And a snow blower. And still have $28,500 left over! (ok, it was all going to go on my credit card, so not exactly left over, but you know what I mean ...)

That means a due date in August. Here my fantasy leads me to my pregnancy wheel, to find the official due date of August 13. Pregnant in the hottest, stillest, stickiest part of the year. The 1st year trying to get pregnant, we avoided in October and November, because there was no way I was going to suffer through July or August being 9 months pregnant. Now that sounds like bliss. A giant belly hanging over my sarong. Having to sit with my feet in the creek to cool down and nap out in the orchard, with my black dogs panting even in the shade.

Here the fantasy digresses to general pregnancy bliss, then holding baby bliss, then breastfeeding bliss, then my kids playing with my nephews -- climbing trees and building forts out in the woods and eating berries right off the bush. What if my body was really going for the gold and ovulated 2 perfect eggs, and I got twins! I imagine calling my RE's clinic for an u/s, and them being so surprised, because afterall, I was infertile. Then I wonder/worry about miscarriage -- would I ever be able to relax? I know seeing a baby at 6 or 8 weeks on u/s is incredibly reassuring, and that it doesn't guarrantee anything. Will I demand weekly u/s or weekly hcgs?

At this point, the fantasy usually starts to digress into worries and trying to figure things out. So I'll stop it here, and climb into bed next to my sweetheart, and put his hand on my womb. Just in case there's a baby in there, we want him to know that we love him already.