My vacation month has come to an end. Overall I feel low-stress, and I pretty much forgot about being a midwife after that first week, which was the point of the break. But do I feel like I've had a month of vacation? Have I had a break from my life? Other than my retreat, when I was so focused on my own growth and spirit, I found myself running around thinking a lot of the same things.
Sometimes vacation feels like a let-down for me, and I know it is because I have such excitement and anticipation about having a new and different experience, that it is hard for life to live up to that sometimes. In quiet moments, my thoughts are the same and who I am is the same, and the circumstances around me don't change that.
Last year, I went to Costa Rica for a month. For 2 of those weeks, I studied Spanish, lived with a host family, and hung out with my classmates (and of course, went to the beach everyday). My husband wasn't there yet. In short, I lived a completely different life, with no connection to my life at home, and I did truly feel new and different during that time. When my husband joined me and we started traveling, we had great experiences and fun, but the feeling of ME being new and different left.
Sometimes I want to just run away.
I don't mean this in a "I'm depressed" or "I'm unhappy with my life" sort of way. I'm not depressed, and I appreciate a lot of things about my life, including a phenomenal husband whom I love deeply, an amazing job full of wonder and miracle, 2 great dogs who bring me joy everyday, great land/views/forest/creek/beauty that I call my home.
It is ironic that after my vacation is when I am feeling restless.
But I can't afford to spend my life running around the globe seeking out new and different experiences. I did that when I was younger, and I longed for a place to set my roots. And I know that doing so now would really be an excuse to run away from myself. But no matter where I may go, there I will be, so I may as well create those experiences in my own life for myself, instead of seeking them elsewhere.
Today, a line from the book that I am reading stood out to me: I think the situation we have chosen to be in is an opportunity to see if we have the courage to stand by our truth. I do feel like I am responsible for my infertility, on a soul level. Not that something I have done in this life has caused it, but that there is something my soul needs to learn or experience with this. I have stopped trying to "find the meaning" or "find the cause" because that just makes me depressed and feel like I am blaming myself. But I do feel like how I handle this in my life is an opportunity to "show my quality" as Samwise Gamgee said.
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3 comments:
I think we travel, in a way, to get away from routine. So, to escape from routine, wherever you are, can give you similar feelings.
I often feel a bit of malaise from too much time off(though I love it, in a way), but the satisfaction of work well done is great.
I hope you keep soul-learning, I am sure you will.
I appreciate your insight on the soul growth. Only recently have I started to look at my soulfulness in this process. I think only the strong make it past the anger, fear and resentment. Be proud.
There is something called egg freezing that I have recently been hearing about. It is said that frozen embryos are better than fresh ones (http://eggfreezingcenter.wordpress.com/2008/07/10/frozen-embryos-better-than-fresh-for-ivf/)
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