Our Own Rhythm

We had a wonderful holiday visiting family in Colorado, but it is a relief to be back home. I loved seeing everyone, especially my sister and her boys, and sharing my Sweet One with them. But I have come to learn some things about myself as a person and a mother: I am not very patient and I can get frustrated (very ironic, as I am very patient and allowing as a midwife).

At home, Pinecone and I have developed our own rhythm, a dance that we do together throughout the day. Following this rhythm allows me to stay present and patient and loving life. Most of the time we are in step with each other, occassionally one of us stumbles or steps on the other's toes, but for the most part we flow and groove beautifully together. Away from home, we do a lot more stumbling and misstepping. Interestingly, even when Dad is home (on the weekends or when working from home), it is enough of an interruption of our flow to make our days a little harder. We love having him here, but the day is bumpier.

So being away from home, with other people's needs and schedules was a challenge. Without being able to rely on our own rhythm, it was work to keep my patience and frustration in check. For the most part I did admirably (in my humble opinion), but gave a sigh of relief when we arrived home.

We've developed a daily pattern rather than a schedule. And most days I can amend whatever is happening to meet PC's timing on things. A lot goes undone, but oh well. If I am planning a trip to the store and she decides she needs to be held and have an early nap instead, then we change plans. For things that need to happen, I try to schedule them in the morning, when she is more allowing of whatever I have planned. But most mornings pass quickly with us playing, stretching, reading books, enjoying our morning beverages (coffee and breastmilk, respectively), and making faces at each other. Who wants to miss that for a clean house or a trip to town to pick up groceries?

The beauty of being home with her all the time is getting to know her language. The expressions, movements, babbles, squawks and cries that communicate what her needs and wants and feelings are. When I'm on the ball, I can anticipate adequately so that her meal or nap or entertainment is served up before she has to ask for it too loudly. When I'm not on the ball, she forgives me quickly, and we get back in the groove with each other. This is not to say that I am so skillful at anticipation that she never cries. She does, and sometimes she cries even when I have anticipated perfectly. At those times, I figure she is just communicating her feelings, and that's ok. And sometimes, I really do want to do something in that moment that makes her wait a few minutes. She does not excel at patience either, and that's also ok.