Fingerprints and Infertility

We have been busily gathering all of our adoption home study paperwork, and will have it all together by Friday. We have gathered: certified copies of our birth certificates, marriage certificate, 10-page autobiography questionnaire for each of us, copies of our last 2 tax returns, a financial statement, employment verification from S's employer, 3 references each, a genogram for each of us, residence history since we were 18, guardian designation, medical statement from each of our GP's, state patrol background check, CPS background check, and FBI fingerprints. Whew. Our next (and final) meeting with our social worker is on Saturday the 31st.

As far as our potential birthmother, she has moved into a maternity home in our neighboring state. This is great news because she lived in a really emotionally unhealthy environment. At this maternity home, she will get counseling, a safe and healthy living environment, and a lot of support. She has our profile and another couple's that she is considering. I don't know whether the maternity home will encourage her to go through an agency or not, so there may be other families she begins considering as well. She is in a much more stable, supported place, which means if things do go forward with us, then it feels like it will all work smoother for everyone. It also means there is less certainty for us, as she may find another family she likes better. But really I am ok with all of that. I do feel in my heart, that if her baby is to be our child, that it will all unfold the way it is supposed to. Am I nervous? A little anxious? Impatient to know? Yes. Yes. Yes. But that is nothing new, and I can handle it.

Occasionally I still wonder about infertility treatments. Am I really done with them? We say we are continuing with TCM, but I keep forgetting to make our herbs, and I just don't have the motivation for it right now. I wonder about IVF if this adoption prospect does not work out. But then I think about the money, the uncertainty, the emotional committment for potentially more disappointment and grief, and I think "why?" Do people really get pregnant and stay pregnant with IVF? I know it can happen - I have birth announcements in my living room from friends who conceived through IVF. But it seems like even more than birth announcements, I hear sad stories of unsuccessful treatments, chemical pregnancies and miscarriage. I don't know that my heart can take that anymore. It has been 4-1/2 years of perfectly timed cycles. I know we only did 1 IVF, and the 2nd would possibly probably work, but if it didn't, or if I miscarried, I don't know if I could handle it. With adoption there is plenty of opportunities for grief, heartache and disappointment, but in the end there is a guarrantee.

And in the meantime I am still temping everyday. I don't exactly know why.


Today I am grateful for:
* my cozy little house in the snowy woods
* President Obama, and his call to choose hope over fear
* my baby is out there in the universe somewhere, sometime, somehow - I am just impatient to hold him or her

What I am doing to take care of myself:
* reading by the fire - my favorite Thursday activity
* a long walk with the dogs
* yoga tonight