I Promise This is the Condensed Version

August 2004 started with my husband and I hiking around The Mountain, on a 90 mile back-packing trip called The Wond.erland Trail, which included an elevation gain/loss of 22,789 feet -- about the equivalent of climbing Den.ali from sea level. As we trudged up and down the flanks of The Mountain, I day-dreamed about our children. Home-schooling plans. Back-packing trips to study mycology (mushrooms) up close and personal. Camping at the Redwoods for a couple of weeks while we studied forest ecology. When we returned from our back-packing trip, we'd be in great shape, and what perfect timing to get pregnant.

Oh, how easy it seemed!

By summer of 2005, we were not yet pregnant, but not too discouraged. We had contracted some mysterious parasite on the back-packing trip (I promise we filtered the water!), and had just finally knocked it out of our systems by June 2005 (thanks to Wormwood, Acidophilus, and -ahem- twice weekly colonics). I figured my body was smart: who wants to carry a baby while battling a parasite? Nonetheless, I had some of my hormones checked: estrogen, progesterone, thyroid were all normal. I'd been charting since December, so I knew I was ovulating and my cycles were regular. My husband had a SA, which was normal.

Spring of 2006 found me finally in a doctor's office. The OB/Gyn suggested a Laparoscopy, due to some occasional strong abdominal pain I'd have. I agreed, and in April 2006, she removed some mild endometriosis. Instructions: get pregnant in the next 6 months before it could start to grow again. Okay!

Fall came around, and back to the doc. Now my progesterone was low, and I was supplemented with prometrium. My HSG was clear. My post-coital wasn't very good, so cervical fluid was probably the issue, right? I started doing acupuncture for 4 months.

January 2007 I ended up finally in the RE's office. First step: Clomid Challenge Test, which showed high end of normal FSH (10 & 9), and a very failed post-coital. We started with IUIs with Clomid, and the 2nd one gave me a chemical pregnancy (1st hcg was 11, 2nd was 3). After 4 months of Clomid, I was going nuts and very depressed. Was it the Clomid or the situation? Likely both.

I decided to give myself the 1st break of trying to get pregnant in almost 3 years, and took the month of June off to go to Costa Rica. Bliss! My husband joined me for the last 2 weeks, and we remembered how fun it was to have s.ex again! Just for fun! Whoo-hoo!

BTW, I did ovulate during those 2 weeks with S in Costa Rica, so the "go on a tropical vacation and have lots of s.ex" advice didn't work.

Returning from Costa Rica, we started with injectibles. One month on, one month off. S was a pro at giving the shots! Having the break between cycles helped my mental state tremendously. Meanwhile, it was becoming clear that all of my income was going into paying for fertility treatments. Fortunately we could live frugally off of S's income, but we missed having the extra money for savings and fun stuff.

In November, S did another Sperm Penetr.ation Assay (aka the Hamster Test). He'd had a normal one the year before, but as we were thinking about IVF, the RE wanted to do another one with his own lab. Results: sub-fertile. What!?! Several FANTASTIC SA's and pre-IUI sperm washes, and now it shows sub-fertile? Solution: IVF with ICSI.

We did our IVF in January: 14 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized with ICSI, 6 top-grade embies transferred on day 3. (Ok, I know that most RE's would cringe at the idea of transferring 6 top-grade embies, but my RE assumed most would not be genetically feasible -- kind of like doing PGD in the womb.) Result: no pregnancy. Not even a chemical. But I had done "everthing right" -- I'd been doing acupuncture with someone with more fertility experience, Mayan Abdominal Massage, no coffee, no alcohol, took off a month of work so I would be low stress. Why didn't it work? My FSH for the cycle was 12.8 -- an all time high for me.

I left that experience feeling like the only thing Western Medicine could offer me was more meds, and more chances of IVF, at about $12,000 a pop. I was very discouraged. I talked with some very experienced fertility acupuncturists (not in my area), and learned that in Chinese Medicine, fertility is primarily treated by herbs, acupucture is supportive. Next mission: find the right TCM doctor who was savvy in fertility herbs.

I found Dr J about 2-1/2 hours from my house (the joys of living rurally). My husband S began seeing her husband Dr S. She looked at my whole history, my constitution, my labs, my charts. Primary diagnosis: Blood Stagnation that is impeding implantation. Evidenced by very light periods (even when u/s should excellent uterine lining), endometriosis, failure to implant one of the 6 embies. Yes, my progesterone and FSH were issues as well, but were connected to this -- I forget her explanation, but it made a lot of sense!

She put together a batch of herbs, formulated just for me. Dr S did the same for S. For 4 months we traveled the distance to see them for herbs and acupuncture. Brewing the herbs every other day, drinking a quart of it every day, the long drive (made all the more stressful because of my work situation), ended up being worth it -- we got pregnant! But I'm jumping ahead...

We searched for a new RE. I didn't necessarily have any complaints about my 1st RE, but some of the tests and thinking were outdated, and I worried that if our IVF planned for August did not work, I would always be sorry I didn't find someone else. The 1st RE we interviewed stated that with my high FSH and "poor response" and "diminished ovarian reserve" that waiting until August was too long of a wait -- I needed to do IVF again ASAP! Yikes! We were turned off by the hard sell. It just didn't feel so dire. Besides, I was taking the month of August off for IVF, and changing that month off to June was not really an option.

We loved the next RE we interviewed, and my TCM doctor recommended him as well -- after we had already decided on our own, so that was nice reinforcement. He wanted to do another CCCT, to see what my FSH was doing. He said that while my FSH was high, my age was good and if my antral follicle count was good, then the FSH was less important. Since we were doing Clomid again, we decided for another IUI.

My AF count was great -- 24. My FSH was HIGH (12.2 & 13). My age -- well, it stayed the same. :-) At 14dpiui, I took a HPT, and it was negative so I went off my prometrium. We went in to see the RE for our pre-IVF consult, and S had an Acrosome Reaction Test done to determine if ICSI was really needed. 3 days later, my period still didn't come. Another HPT: was that a faint line???? S ran to the store to get another brand (and tests that had not been frying out in the backseat of my car), and it was the most glaring positive! Oh my god! We were shocked and amazed. Pregnant! On an IUI with Clomid!(and Chinese herbs!) My hcg was lovely -- 324. 3 days later my hcg was 1032. Doubling! Really pregnant! My P4 was low, but that was because I was doing the prometrium vaginally and it doesn't register in the blood that way. 600 mg vaginally. BTW, that's A LOT.

A week later, I started worrying about my P4 again, and had another hcg and P4 done. Hcg: 1600. P4: 0.3 . Yes, 0.3 . An u/s showed a fetal pole a few days behind the expected 6 weeks, and therefore too small to see a heartbeat, but the labs were not encouraging. A week later, there was no change by u/s. I stopped the prometrium, and a few days later began to miscarry.

The loss of the baby is something I can deal with. I know it was because in the normal exchanging of DNA, chromosomes crossing over, etc, something didn't happen properly and it wasn't forming the way it should. My body and that embryo worked well together to not let it continue. I can handle that.

But the thought of how hard it was to achieve this pregnancy, how long and emotional, and how much longer and harder will it be to achieve my next pregnancy -- that is what upsets me the most.

For now, IVF is off the radar. We want to continue with IUIs and Clomid, since I did get pregnant 2 out of 4 times that way (if you count the chemical). I think the Chinese Herbs are working. I think my lifestyle changes are working. I think this can happen with just a little help.

In the meantime, I have the month of August off -- so I'm going on vacation!